Squash Stack Studio

Ignoring the helpful warnings printed on the floor tiles, the zombies of the pirate ship Wastrel plunge deeper into the labyrinth of the Savage Arena, thrusting aloft their weapons amid boisterous cheers of “Aaargh!” and “Ahoy!” Were their brains not rotten, it might occur to them that such clamor is only likely to attract unwelcome attention . . .

Two of the Wastrel’s skeletal sailors are captured by an ice bear and led away in chains to work in the ice mines far to the north. The jarls of the ice bear tribes demand ever bigger and more elaborate ice palaces, so the demand for slaves to work the glacial mines is constantly on the rise.

Captain Sturgeontrousers has a brief encounter with a wraith in a dark corridor of the Arena. The wraith’s touch has a strange effect on the pirate’s undead flesh. Rather than leaving him drained and aged, the wraith’s touch restores some of his youthful vigor. His skin regains the healthy green shade of his youth, and even his missing eye and hand are restored. His only regret is that the wraith does not linger long enough to restore his missing leg. The experience is transformative; Captain Sturgeontrousers decides to leave the Arena and put his pirate ways aside. He remembers that it was his love of intricate rope work that lured him to the sea and recalls with fondness his mother’s macramé.

Meanwhile, Captain Sturgeontrouser’s zombie crewmen encounter a pair of ravenous plant monsters surrounded by the indigestible remains of their last meal. Curious readers will be interested to learn that the plant monsters have most recently consumed a trio of interstellar minerals brokers dispatched to Earth in search of valuable resources to ruthlessly exploit. The appetite of the plant monsters very likely saved the entire planet from alien devastation. This knowledge will be of little consolation to the zombies, however, as they are swiftly seized by thorny vines and rendered into fertilizer. Soon their sabers and muskets will join the helmets, tanks of concentrated sulfur dioxide, and mineral detectors littering the ground at the plant monsters’ roots.

Burton T. Squibb here, President and CEO of the Interstellar Coalition of Hamartian Ore Reclamation. Behind me are some of the courageous and hard-working miners of I.C.H.O.R. whose beloved families would be in peril if their livelihoods were taken away. We would like to take this opportunity to remind you (and the lawyers representing @tiny_suicide_squad) that libel is illegal on nearly every planet of the Galactic Hegemony. The previous post contains some serious allegations that should in no way be taken as truth. I.C.H.O.R. takes its responsibility as galactic resource stewards very seriously. Our relocation schemes are among the most humane in the industry, with barely 13% of civilizations collapsing during our off-world transport protocols. And nearly 42% of the planets we harvest are still capable of sustaining life after we are done with them – that’s 12% above regulatory standards! So remember, I.C.H.O.R. is your friend! Keep buying those cheap consumer electronics so China has to keep processing rare earths! And vote yes on fracking! The more you humans do to extract your resources from the crust, the easier it will be for everyone when we come to fulfill our manifest destiny! Burton T. Squibb signing off!

Backdrop: a panel from Prophet TP Volume 2: Brothers, by Brandon Graham

On his way out of the Arena, the newly revivified Captain Sturgeontrousers meets a pretty little zombie girl with nice pom-poms. Having no flowers at hand, he offers her his sausage. She is charmed, and the two resolve then and there to set up shop together on the waterfront selling macramé craftwork.