Squash Stack Studio

Now that Camelot’s jesters have finished their routine, our first competitors make their way to the piste.

First out is the famous Green Knight of Camelot, followed by King Arthur, Queen Guinevere, and the wizard Merlin. It is a little unusual that the royal family and their magician have chosen to observe the bout from the tournament hall rather than the stands, but the referee is allowing it. I have to say, Barbara, the referee seems a little put out by the Green Knight’s rather self-satisfied smile.

Next out is the Green Knight’s competitor, the skeleton warrior Skitterybones. There are many rumors about this athlete, Barbara – some say he is an expert swordsman who even won the notorious Savage Arena competition a couple years ago. Others say there is nothing inside his head except a tarnished £2 coin and a wad of dried chewing gum. We shall see!

Barbara, I find it interesting and perhaps a bit ironic that the Green Knight is battling an undead warrior today. As you can see, his coat of arms is a skull and crossbones wreathed in an unwholesome-looking halo of green vapor, testament to his purported use of poison in combat. Even his blade has an unhealthy tinge to it, as if it were made of some kind of radioactive metal. Ordinarily this would be an unfair advantage, but his opponent already being dead levels the playing field a bit.

Now the contestants are on the line! The referee calls “Fence!” The combatants clash together, and it is clear the first touch goes to the Green Knight! Skitterybones reels under the impact, and you can see the gouge in his skull where the Green Knight’s blade sank home!

Barbara, I may have spoken too soon about Skitterybones’ resistance to poison! The skeleton warrior has keeled over on his back and green radiance wreaths his body!

Now the green light fades and Skitterybones stands up again, this time terribly transformed! His whole body glows with malevolent yellow-green light and green flames erupt from his fists! It’s like he is made of pure phosphorus! The Green Knight has lost some of his arrogance and is now retreating!

Barbara, it sounds like Skitterybones is shouting something – John, get the sound boom over there!

“SKITTERYBONES IS DEAD! I AM DOCTOR PHOSPHORUS!”

Wow! What an incredible turn of events, Barbara! It looks like we have a new contestant on the piste! The Green Knight may be in real danger. Too late! Doctor Phosphorus attacks, bathing the Green Knight in phosphor flames! The Green Knight is down! His body and armor burn! Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!