Squash Stack Studio

And now that Captain Sturgeontrousers has found love, the skeletons are off in the ice mines, the zombies are fertilizer, Wensleydale and that kid whose name no one ever bothered to learn are dead, and Hans and Ivan are busy debating with the ghost of John Maynard Keynes over the finer points of macroeconomics, it seems only Jack of the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad and Skitterybones of the pirate ship Wastrel are left to compete for the prize of . . . The Savage Arena!!! (That was, we admit, a bit of a run-on sentence). The Cephalith guarding the entrance to the Arena slides into the floor, opening the way ….

Meanwhile in St. Clair, Layzie Bone and Eazy-E kick it at the crib with dat hoe from the cheerleading squad, sipping forties and watching Need for Speed . . .

Backdrop: a panel from Quantum and Woody #2 by James Asmus, Tom Fowler, and Jordie Bellaire.

. . . while Krayzie and Bizzy tear up a cop car outside.

Backdrop: a panel from Quantum and Woody #2 by James Asmus, Tom Fowler, and Jordie Bellaire.

. . . and Flesh-N-Bone has become so wealthy from slangin’ and bangin’, he’s decided to have a pyramid built for himself like the ancient Pharaohs. Here he sips wine while watching the workers place the final tiles in the grand portico.

Backdrop: A detail from Pyramid by David Macaulay, page 63.

Hey, kids! Officer Bible here! Just wanted to remind you that what you saw in the previous three episodes is not only antisocial, it is suuuuuuper illegal! Gang activity and busting up cop cars is not okay! Stay safe and have fun out there!”

Salutations to the readership of @tiny_suicide_squad! My name is Edward Burnham, and I represent Burnham, Slashem & Brakem, the legal counsel for this publication. There has been some speculation from our readers regarding the likelihood of legal action against @DarkTalent for his misuse of my client’s intellectual property. I fear I must disappoint those legal gorehounds among the readership. Burnham, Slashem & Brakem prefers a “give them the rope they need” approach to litigation. We encourage @DarkTalent to carry on as he pleases. We’ll just be here watching and sharpening our teeth.

Backdrop: The Prince, by Niccolo Machiavelli. Chapter XVII: Of Cruelty and Clemency.

Jack and Skitterybones enter just in time to see the Sasquatch journalists photographing the past years’ Savage Arena Champions together. These brave warriors will be among the chosen defenders when Jack and Skitterybones draw straws to fight for the prize of the Savage Arena! They are a doughty looking crew – lions, tigers, and bears!

Now Jack, Skitterybones, and the past Champions of the Savage Arena gather around to admire this years’ Grand Prize – a giant pile of weapons! The winner of the Savage Arena will take all these beauties home!

The floor of the Arena shakes and the tiles separate, revealing a smoking chasm below. A platform rises from the chasm, and suddenly amid fountains of flame and flurries of cash, a malevolent figure in a tailored suit appears. Next to him is a large twenty-sided die. “Greetings, Savage Arena challengers!” cries the man in the suit. “I am the Jerk in Charge! Before me lies the Die of Fate! This (I swear) totally impartial instrument will determine the conditions of your combat in the Savage Arena! Step forward and let pure chance decide your fate!”

Having no wit to guide him otherwise, Skitterybones steps forward.

The result is predictable. A natural one! The worst roll ever!

“Congratulations!” cries The Jerk in Charge. “You’ve rolled the worst roll ever! Guards! Take away his equipment!” And a lion and a bear come and take away the magic flying broom and the scientific potion Skitterybones won in the labyrinth.

“The Die of Fate has spoken!” cries the Jerk in Charge. “Because you’ve rolled the worst number ever, you will fight a lion! and a tiger! and a bear! Oh my! And you’ll do it with this useless metal stick!”

Except as it turns out, the ‘useless metal stick’ is actually a lightsaber. So much for the Die of Fate.

“Hey, kids! Jedi Master Bennie Volence here! Just wanted to remind you that what Skitterybones did with his lightsaber in the previous episode was not only antisocial, it was suuuuuper dangerous! Remember, don’t point your lightsaber at anyone, don’t talk to strangers, and be safe out there!”

Backdrop: The Doré Illustrations for Dante’s Divine Comedy, Plate 132: The Heaven of the Fixed Stars.

Jack, however, rolls a much more respectable 13 on the Die of Fate.

For his decent roll on the Die of Fate, Jack is awarded with a Potion of Transmogrification and a pair of Flame Pistols by a pair of smokin’ hot tiger girls who Jack would totally tap if circumstances were, y’know, different.

The Potion of Transmogrification turns him into a werelion. And the Flame Pistols prove predictably effective against his rivals in the Savage Arena – a trio of Ice Bears! Jack is triumphant!

After the corpses have been cleared away, the Jerk in Charge takes the floor again. “Congratulations on surviving your first combats! Now you get to fight each other for the championship!”

Skitterybones, however, seems to really be getting into this lightsaber business. He and Jack eye each other for a moment. “Fuck it,” Jack says. “I could use a good fighter on my crew. What do you say, bone-man? Split the haul with me and join the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad? We’ll put those weapons to good use.” Skitterybones is silent for a moment, which in anyone else you would assume he’s thinking about Jack’s offer, but knowing Skitterybones he was probably just thinking about kittens. “Okay,” he says.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Skitterybones joined the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad.