Squash Stack Studio

Once inside the labyrinth of the Savage Arena, with his crew surging ahead to explore, Captain Sturgeontrousers is suddenly reminded of the camera he took from the Sasquatch journalist outside. Although he is not mechanically inclined and his hook is ill-suited for such work, he manages to get the bag of lenses open to examine. One lens in particular catches his eye, and after much struggle he gets it screwed onto the camera body. Peering through the lens, he happens to swivel the camera toward the wall  . . .

 . . . and sees the most astonishing sight!

The lens of the Sasquatch journalist’s camera allows Captain Sturgeontrousers to see through the wall! The adjoining chamber is awash in hellish red light, illuminating a startling scene: famed sexploitation director Jess Franco, dressed all in black leather, prostrating himself to the ministrations of a whip-wielding, glowing-eyed vampire dominatrix! Although Captain Sturgeontrousers did dabble a bit with Le Théâtre du Grand-Guignol in his youth, such lurid imagery no longer sits well with him. Crying out “preverts!” the pirate flings the camera away. It shatters against the wall of the Arena, but not before the reflexive action of Sturgeontrouser’s hand depresses the shutter, capturing the image for posterity. Mumbling under his breath about decaying morality, the zombie pirate limps away on his peg leg, deeper into the Arena.

Meanwhile the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad fan out and push deeper into the labyrinth, weapons and senses alert for any sign of danger. Ahead of them a lurid light flashes above the walls . . .

“Stay close!” Jack hisses to Hans. The corridors resonate with the sound of machinery, and there is a faint electrical potential in the air that raises the hairs on their necks.

The source of the noise and sound is just around the next corner! The Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad advances silently and slowly, fingers poised over triggers, teeth bared in deadly snarls.

Hans and Wensleydale round the corner just in time to witness a terrible sight! That kid whose name no one ever bothered to learn is locked in the grasp of a huge man-fly. The soldiers open fire on the monster just in time to watch the kid breath his last and collapse in a loose-limbed heap. The Arena has claimed its first victim!

Now the battle is joined in earnest! The men of the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad pour into the chamber, machine guns chattering wildly. Giant man-flies descend on them from every direction, biting, clawing, and choking with powerful claws. Around them the light flickers in different hellish shades – purple, green, red, blue. Jack, Hans and Ivan, the most experienced of the crew, suddenly realize the danger of the trap they have fallen into. The light suffusing the chamber can only signify one thing – Professor Geryon and his Marvelous Engine of Misfortune!

The battle is not going well for the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad! That kid whose name no one ever bothered to learn is dead, his throat torn out by a man-fly. Although Jack has killed the man-fly and avenged that kid’s death, Hans and Ivan are having a hard time of things. And the Engine of Misfortune continues bathing the chamber in thoroughly unhelpful radiation!

Wensleydale sights down the barrel of his rifle, taking a careful bead on Professor Geryon’s oversized forehead. He should have aimed for the Engine of Misfortune instead! As the soldier pulls his trigger, the Engine’s rays skew the laws of probability, and the round explodes in the breech, killing Wensleydale immediately. With two of his men down, Jack issues the command to flee the chamber. The dispirited men of the Dirt Cheap Suicide Squad press deeper into the labyrinth, their first taste of the Savage Arena bitter in their mouths.

Meanwhile back in Professor Geryon’s laboratory, the experiments have escaped their cages. They’ve eaten all the foie gras and now they’re getting lit on mutagen and turning themselves into monsters. Thankfully, the Professor also maintains a hidden supply of head cheese and haggis in cold storage, and has done some vivisection for a man in the lumpfish roe trade. He’ll remain amply supplied with midnight snacks after his return.

Backdrop: The Doré Illustrations for Dante’s Divine Comedy, Plate 12: Limbo – Poets and Heroes.

And in the basement of Professor Geryon’s laboratory, things are getting entirely out of hand. Now the experiments have discovered the Professor’s Brain-Enhancing Ray Emitter and dialed it all the way up. One of the clones will now be blessed with six times the Professor’s intellect and one-eighth the sanity. Will mayhem ensue? We think it likely.

Backdrop: The Doré Illustrations for Dante’s Divine Comedy, Plate 53: Thieves.